Lesbophobia...

I have lesbophobia.

For the BTQ Book Group I recently read Bi Any Other Name. It was really interesting to read something from twenty years ago and think 'well fuck, bi folks are still treated crappy a lot of the time but at least the word gets included on stuff now'. The book barely mentioned transgender existence but hell, it was written twenty years ago. There were some gender variant people in there at least.

In the back of the book was a useful glossary and a definition there really struck me. Under the word 'heterophobia' was the secondary definition of 'fear of being perceived as heterosexual'. I saw that and it hit me like a thunderbolt. I have lesbophobia!

Yes. I fear being perceived as a lesbian. This realization was further strengthened by a subsequent local newspaper article about last census counts of same-sex couple households in IL. The graphs in the article, at least the ones I saw in the free edition of the paper, were labeled 'Gay' households and 'Lesbian' households. As if all households with two women living as a couple were lesbian households. (Or all those with two men, gay ones...)

I'm sorry but mine sure as shit ain't.

Mine is two bi/pansexual/queer female bodied individuals, one of which is cisgender and one of which is third gender and identifies more as male. So again, not a 'lesbian' household. Similarly, ours is not a 'lesbian' marriage and we will not be 'lesbian' parents.

But when people see us, that's likely what they assume. And when people hear me talk about my wife, that's probably what they think about me.

I am not a lesbian. I've not called myself one for years. There are many reasons why.

For one, I'm not a woman. Well, ok, I do have breasts and a vagina, much as they might annoy me at times. And I do intend to continue to have them but body parts are not the sole indicators of womanhood, as any good anthropologist will tell you. So maybe I'm a woman, but I'm not female. I'm a fun male/female/something else amalgam and I like it that way.

For two, I like men. I'm attracted to men. I like and am attracted to women too. And those people in between? A lot of them are also really hot. So yeah, not a lesbian.

What's more it's not really fair to lesbians to lump me in with them. Let lesbians be lesbians, I'll be something else and we'll all be happy. It's important to say that I don't fear lesbians as a whole or even individual ones. I just don't want to be perceived as one anymore than most lesbians probably want to be perceived as straight or bi or male.

I'm bothered that by falling in love with a sweet, granola-femme cisgender girl and working to make a life with her I have to also work much harder to assert both my sexual/affectional and gender identity. She has the same problem of course with the sexual/affectional orientation thing. Aside from both wearing 'This is what a bisexual looks like' buttons all the time there aren't a lot of easy ways to deal with this.

What if I was a biological male? Or interested in transition? I'm pretty certain I'd still be queer, and still be in love with her, so little would change. We'd just be assumed to be a straight couple. I guess I have heterophobia too then.

Argh!