Word Salad

WILLOW: I-I don't know, I was trying to program in some new puns and I kinda ended up with word salad.

I recently watched a prominent member of LGBTQ literary circles struggle with the preferred pronouns of an author while presenting hir at a reading. (That's not a typo word processing program, it's a pronoun.) The author in question is non-binary identified and prefers the pronouns ze and hir. It was embarrassing to witness.

I was embarrassed for the author being mis-pronouned and therefore dismissed as a person with a right to hir own identity. And I was embarrassed for the presenter who ended up looking clueless and out of touch with modern queer culture. Side note: I hate watching people be embarrassed. I have been known to leave the room during scenes of embarrassment in movies rather then deal with the anxiety they cause me.

Fault here lays solely on the presenter. They had clear instructions and still botched it. Even more fascinating, how had this person who has presumingly been involved in LGBTQ communities, and in specific LGBTQ writers and artists, for years never run into anyone else who was genderqueer? The mind boggles.

And yet, before I climb on to that tall equine and risk plummeting to the ground I have to confess that I've screwed it up too. Not in a situation like that mind you, but in regular conversation.

Mis-pronouning is all too easy and insidious. From the time we are little and learning to speak we are given gendered words and gendered pronouns. Alternatives are not taught when our brains are in that perfect time to learn such things. It's like secondary languages, the later you try to learn one the harder it often is. I wonder if folks who did get foreign language training as children are better able to deal with unfamiliar pronouns than others. This may be different if your first language isn't English but if it is, it's a problem.

Sometimes it's easier. Persons A and B go from one gender to another. Simple. A was he and is now she. B was she and is now he. We know he and she so the change is not so difficult. Not really any different than remembering a new job title or last name. There are often name and appearance changes that go along with it that help to reinforce the switch. Sometimes you meet a person who has already transitioned and never knew them as anything else. Then it should be even easier.

And yet people can still screw it up. I'm most fascinated and appalled when it's someone who didn't know the transperson pre-tranistion, as though just the knowledge of what they were assigned at birth colours how the person deals with them more than how they dress or how hormones or surgery or what have you has shaped them. It's almost surreal in its dismissiveness.

The more complicated and therefore more land mine ridden issue are those people who, including myself, don't fit neatly into male or female, she or he. All the intersex, genderqueer, non-binary, bigender, intergender, androgyns, third gender and ad infinitum folks out there. A great deal of these people have chosen to use gender-neutral pronouns to represent their existence outside the binary. Good for them.

Gender-neutral pronouns are a big source of debate for a lot of people. Part of the problem is that there isn't a single set of agreed upon g-n pronouns out there. Googleing the topic brings up lots of different theories and permutations. In the end, all you can really do is ask a person. Hard to do in some contexts, stupidly easy in others. Meanwhile, I'm training myself to use the singular they with everyone until otherwise informed.

And it is a matter of training. If I screw up a pronoun, it's cause my brain was programmed binary and breaking programing takes time. What's sad is I'm not binary myself and still have trouble remembering all this. Worse still the forensics and physically anthropology training I had mean I automatically note those physical traits used to identify the 'sex' of human remains. I often wonder how much the bodies of trans and intersex people screw with those measurements. But anthropology also taught me about cultures where third, fourth and more genders beyond male and female exists.

So what about me? What pronouns do I prefer? Even with the wife I don't tend to push the identity thing but I probably should. Part of it's that I hate to inconvenience people but more it's a low self esteem thing. I'm not sure I deserve to be identified properly. And what would proper identification be any way? Since I'm not really bothered by he or she and both are equally right and wrong, I don't think about it much. Maybe I should.

I'm leaning toward the singular they personally. It's simple. They is already a word folks know. The Spivak system has some merit in my opinion; e or ey, em and eir but I've also seen it said that since em is already used as a colloquial shortening of them that somehow creates confusion. Not sure how but whatever.

So for now, with me that is, go with the singular they. I'll tell you'll if that changes.

the weight and shape of gender identity

One of the reason I haven't been writing in this is that I'm too much of a perfectionist. My anxiety induced writer's block stems from the need to met a likely unreachable standard that I have set for myself. What I need to realize is this is a blog not an academic journal. It's where I air my thoughts not propose game changing theories in gender studies. If I manage to do that then cool but setting out to do it dooms me to not finish anything I start.

Case in point, I started a piece on body image and gender identity, the crossover place where the obsession with weight and size smashes into peoples ideas of male and female. It was wordy and full of literary references and likely unfinishable. But you know what? I lost it. Somewhere in my paper eating mess of a desk/messenger bag/black hole it sits but I don't know where. So screw it. I'm just gonna talk about the idea and see where it gets me.

Google "transmen eating disorders" and you get a lot of hits. From online support groups and discussion boards to Wikipedia articles about transmen activists who lecture on eating disorders and body image. And yet, this is a correlation that tends to illicit a 'huh, that's weird' response when you mention it to folks. Maybe this is in part because eating disorders are so coupled with femaleness in our psyches. It's hard enough to get people to acknowledge that cisgender men can develop such disorders. Sorry folks, those high school wrestlers wearing sauna suits and starving themselves to make weight? That sounds like symptoms to me. I remember seeing guys in my high school in shiny, silver outfits not having lunch or only having a Slimfast or other liquids looking like they about to pass the fuck out.

The motivation for transmen is similar, they are trying to "make weight". Look at any picture of an anorexic woman in advanced stages and you'll note that her breasts and hips have shrunk. So starvation becomes a form of body modification to mold themselves into a more masculine appearance. This is likely compounded by starting on testosterone which can cause weight gain.

I get it. I see skinny little genderqueer bois and envy them their androgynous appearance. It's a lot harder to pass or be acknowledged as male/masculine-identified when you have breasts larger then an A-cup and wide hips. There are outfits and looks I'll likely never be able to pull off because of how my body is shaped. And yet I am not compelled to stop eating or start barfing or compulsively exercise to deal with it.

Truth be told I should exercise more. I know I'm overweight and it takes a toll on both my bad back and the arthritis that has recently been diagnosed in my knees. But even once I do start getting more active I can't see myself exercising to dangerous levels. Part of that is sheer laziness.

As for the others, I love food and I really hate barfing. Barfing intentionality, unless I've been poisoned, just sounds stupid. I've been known to forget to eat when left to my own devises but again, laziness is the culprit not a desire for starvation. And even at my lowest adult weight, I still had wide hips and big ass. They ain't going anywhere.

This overlap of gender variance and body image isn't solely a FTM thing. I have at least one MTF friend for whom losing weight is part of her desire for femininity and a more female appearance but since her starting point is an overweight 'male' body, a smaller waistline is an understandable goal. I do think that some of her methods are iffy, meal replacement shakes should ideally only replace one meal a day if they are going to be used at all. There are fewer hits on a Google search for "transwomen eating disorders" but there are still a bunch.

Even for cisgender folks there seems to be a connection here. I heard a friend in a book discussion group actually say that she would dress more femmy if she could lose weight. I had to ask what that had to do with anything and cited my wife who is both zaftig and femme. A granola femme who lifted weights and played hockey when she was younger but still femme.

So what's the deal here? What does your weight/shape have to do with your gender identity and/or presentation? Discuss!

Lesbophobia...

I have lesbophobia.

For the BTQ Book Group I recently read Bi Any Other Name. It was really interesting to read something from twenty years ago and think 'well fuck, bi folks are still treated crappy a lot of the time but at least the word gets included on stuff now'. The book barely mentioned transgender existence but hell, it was written twenty years ago. There were some gender variant people in there at least.

In the back of the book was a useful glossary and a definition there really struck me. Under the word 'heterophobia' was the secondary definition of 'fear of being perceived as heterosexual'. I saw that and it hit me like a thunderbolt. I have lesbophobia!

Yes. I fear being perceived as a lesbian. This realization was further strengthened by a subsequent local newspaper article about last census counts of same-sex couple households in IL. The graphs in the article, at least the ones I saw in the free edition of the paper, were labeled 'Gay' households and 'Lesbian' households. As if all households with two women living as a couple were lesbian households. (Or all those with two men, gay ones...)

I'm sorry but mine sure as shit ain't.

Mine is two bi/pansexual/queer female bodied individuals, one of which is cisgender and one of which is third gender and identifies more as male. So again, not a 'lesbian' household. Similarly, ours is not a 'lesbian' marriage and we will not be 'lesbian' parents.

But when people see us, that's likely what they assume. And when people hear me talk about my wife, that's probably what they think about me.

I am not a lesbian. I've not called myself one for years. There are many reasons why.

For one, I'm not a woman. Well, ok, I do have breasts and a vagina, much as they might annoy me at times. And I do intend to continue to have them but body parts are not the sole indicators of womanhood, as any good anthropologist will tell you. So maybe I'm a woman, but I'm not female. I'm a fun male/female/something else amalgam and I like it that way.

For two, I like men. I'm attracted to men. I like and am attracted to women too. And those people in between? A lot of them are also really hot. So yeah, not a lesbian.

What's more it's not really fair to lesbians to lump me in with them. Let lesbians be lesbians, I'll be something else and we'll all be happy. It's important to say that I don't fear lesbians as a whole or even individual ones. I just don't want to be perceived as one anymore than most lesbians probably want to be perceived as straight or bi or male.

I'm bothered that by falling in love with a sweet, granola-femme cisgender girl and working to make a life with her I have to also work much harder to assert both my sexual/affectional and gender identity. She has the same problem of course with the sexual/affectional orientation thing. Aside from both wearing 'This is what a bisexual looks like' buttons all the time there aren't a lot of easy ways to deal with this.

What if I was a biological male? Or interested in transition? I'm pretty certain I'd still be queer, and still be in love with her, so little would change. We'd just be assumed to be a straight couple. I guess I have heterophobia too then.

Argh!

Sorry

Got busy. Life and stuff. Civil Union prep and then the actual event earlier this month. Need to get of my brain off its ass and start writing again. Poke me if I don't do so soon.

Hair- it's not just a 1970's musical

There are few things that cause me more trouble with my male identified presentation than my hair. It's long. Past my shoulders and naturally wavy.

I grew up in the 80's and 90's in Nebraska. I listened to lots of rock, hard rock, grunge and such. I didn't learn to associate hair length with gender. My father's hair was not short because he was male, it was short because he was in the military. If he hadn't been it would have been longer as evidenced by how he's kept it since getting out. It really had more to do with age, class or music sub-culture. Rockers guys, metal-heads, even country fans; a lot of these guys had long hair. And there were also lots of women with short hair all around me so again, not much association with gender and hair length really.

Another interesting factor, it was primarily straight identified guys who had longer hair. Gay guys were more likely to have it short in fact. The gay guys with long hair were generally the more granola/hippie types which made sense. Lesbians and bi/queer women could have any length of hair they wanted unless they into country, then in it was short. Or a mullet. *shudder*

Living in Kansas for four or so years didn't change this perception at all. A lot of my friends and acquaintances there were long haired guys of various sexual identities. Gay, straight, bisexual or non-defining sorts. The women were the same. So even less association with gender/sexuality and hair length. It was more a political indicator.

Then we moved to Chicago.

The number of men with long hair diminished greatly. Women here still seem for the most part free to wear their hair whatever length they desire but men seem expected to have it shorter, chin length maybe but even that is rare. You still see it but it's just so much less common. The exceptions seem to run along some very specific racial lines. Long dreadlocks for one, and people make all sorts of assumptions about that.

What does this mean for me? Well, in Nebraska or Kansas people would take gender cues from me based more on the clothes I was wearing than the length of my hair. Here that's not true. Here the length of my hair sometimes seems to be the biggest deciding factor in whether I get a ma'am or a sir. In the winter when I'm all bundled and the hair may be hidden under scarves and hats and coat and all, I get the sirs fairly often. But the minute it heats up and hair comes out, regardless of how masculine my attire, I become a ma'am. And it doesn't matter what hat I have on; baseball cap or outback fedora.

When I complain about this, the response from a lot of people is the same, cut your hair. But it's not that simple. For one thing, I really don't look good with short hair. In high school my hair was short, the result of having to save it from a terrible feathered haircut by a particularly ditzy beautician. Unfortunately the natural body, wave and dryness of my hair means that when short, it is also really fluffy. There may be pictures somewhere but I hope not.

With this history it's hard to imagine a short cut that will not serve to feminize my appearance even further. Sure I could go to a barber and get a man's cut. It's highly unlikely that there isn't a trans friendly barbershop in the whole of Chicago. I'm just not sure that it would make a difference.

There's another problem. I like my hair this way. Just like any rocker dude, the idea of cutting of my hair to suit the style of the mainstream bothers the hell out of me. Why should I cut my hair to suit some ridiculous, limiting concept of masculinity? What's more, my wife likes my hair and finds long hair attractive for men, women and those in between. She feels hair cutting is more a symbol of mourning or catharsis. When she shaved her head last year, people thought it was a butch thing. Even while she was wearing a dress. And make-up. And feminine jewelery. And girly head coverings. Even in heels!

What is wrong with people here that they have such a narrow definition of masculine and feminine that a simple haircut could make that much difference?

Maybe I should get a bunch of old Metallica t-shirts or something. Nothing after the black album of course. I never listened to enough Anthrax to back that up. Think anyone would buy a long haired, beardless dude in a Rush t-shirt. Oh wait, I already know they don't.

Book Review: She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders and I’m Looking Through You: Growing Up Haunted

Since I seem to have stalled in the telling of my own story I figured maybe I'd try to break through the block by writing about someone else's. To that end I offer you a book review. Two for the price of one as it happens.

She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders and I’m Looking Through You: Growing Up Haunted both by Jennifer Finney Boylan.

The first selection from a Bisexual, Transgender and Queer book discussion group I'm in (hereafter referred to as BTQ group) I was thrilled to finally read She's Not There as I'd seen and heard about it many times. I have to admit that when a book or author gets hyped, I get wary. I am happy to report that this memoir, and the follow-up I'm Looking Through You, are well worth the read.

In She's Not There Boylan tells the story of her life and gender transition with humor and honesty. From her first feelings of being in the wrong body as a young boy through her teens, adulthood, marriage and parenthood to the final acceptance of herself as a woman. James journey to Jennifer is funny, sad, sweet, poignant and thought provoking. I laughed, teared up and felt good. The acceptance and support of family and friends was very uplifting to read about. While the reality of rejection by some, Boylan's sister being the biggest one, reminds readers that there is risk inherent in the struggle to be yourself.

The follow-up I'm Looking Through You expands upon episodes and issues of her life that were brought up in her first book. She uses the memories and experiences of the haunted house she grew up in as a metaphor for her own feeling of being haunted skillfully. I have to agree that gender non-conformity does feel a bit like being haunted or possessed sometimes. It's also a fitting symbol for Boylan's feelings about the sister who rejected her because of her transition. The concept that they have become ghosts to one another really gives readers an impression how that kind of familial rejection might feel.

The only trouble I had with She's Not There was the feeling that this story may for some seem to reinforce gender as a binary male or female ideal. James is not right, is not healthy, until she becomes Jennifer. This is remedied in the follow-up when the author states that her only intent is to tell her story and it's not intended to explain or reflect all transsexual or transgender experience. What was and is right for Jennifer Finney Boylan may not be for someone else.

With I'm Looking Through You I was bothered by the authors dismissal of the hauntings she experienced in her home as a youth. Being pagan and a believer in ghosts, magic, fairies, dragons and all manner of beings makes it hard not to be a little offended by that. But being a rationally minded reader I understand that the author isn't intending to offend those who do believe in such things. She's just pointing out her own feelings on the matter.

So, I'd recommend both books as good, honest memoirs of transgender experience.

An Interlude...

Today at work a well meaning co-worker of mine complimented my shirt with the ill chosen words 'that's a cute top'.

Now I like this shirt. I lovingly call it my 'Xander shirt' in reference to some of his more colorful clothing atrocities on Buffy.  It's a terrible, wonderful mustard yellow, purple, brown, orange, and mauve thing with leaves and swirls and dots that you really have to see to believe.  Like I said, I like the shirt.

Hearing it described as a 'cute top' stunned me a little. In my moment of shock I think I said something surly like 'you mean my shirt?' and getting a dismissive 'shirt, top what's the difference?' in return. I wanted to say that the difference was that women wear tops while... but I think the response would have been confusion.

And so it happens again. My masculinity is shaken by someone's complete obliviousness. The co-worker in question is so guileless that she can blithely ignore my mode of dress, carriage and speech, and see only the woman that my breasts and first name imply to her. And in this state of innocent ignorance, send my fragile sense of self plummeting to spend the remainder of the long day stewing and aching.

I still like the shirt and I won't stop wearing it. But there's a lingering weirdness that I now have to shake from it so that it will go back to being my 'Xander shirt' instead of a 'cute top'.

*sigh*